A Sleepless Night

Although I know that I should really be sleeping... considering I'm getting up in four and a half hours... I can't sleep right now. My mind is alive and I have to write it out. Today God began a very difficult process in me of healing and surrender. He's been calling me to drop and forgive things that have happened over the last years. However, I couldn't. There was no closer. There was nothing that I could do to move on. I have felt like a helpless bystander watching as my family and friends get hurt... unable to do anything to help or protect them. I've put up walls around myself to guard myself from people and church especially. I've hated it and have gotten angrier and angrier. That's the raw truth. I'd like to say I've made progress... I have. But there is so much more there.

This morning was the third day of lectures. As I posted earlier the topic for this week is, "Worship." The speaker hit us so hard today. She basically dared us to yell. She dared us to cry. She dared us to get mad and actually express what was going on in our hearts....outloud. She asked us how in the world we could sing, "Holy Holy" when we were harboring anger and hurt and bitterness and brokeness in God's temple... our hearts.

I was relieved! Man, I've wanted that freedom for so long. Haven't you ever wanted to just tell someone off royally? Maybe you have. Or maybe you just did it in your head. Whatever the case may be you've had that desire. Well, this morning one of our staff members stood at the front of the lecture circle and said, "If you wanna hit me, hit me. If you want to scream at me, scream at me. If you want to cry, cry. Let it out. You have to let it out." After years of, "hush hush" get over the past... move on you gotta "trust God" people would say.... I was handed permission to be in pain outloud for anyone and everyone to see.

I yelled. I pushed him. I screamed at him. And I cried... for hours. And let me tell you something... those few hours of open emotions and honest anger did more healing than a few years of "move on" being pushed in my face. Don't ever tell someone they've gotta move on. You'll make it last longer, I promise. I know that's blunt but if you wanna help someone (I've seen this to be true in my friends, family, and my own life) be a shoulder to cry on. Let them yell at you. You can't keep it in.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son... that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting LIFE!"

"I'm forgiven because you were forsaken. I'm accepted. You were condemned. And I'm alive and well... your spirit is within me... because you died and rose again! Amazing love!"

I just wanted to share that. I let go of a little piece of my will tonight. I let go a little piece of my rights. I let go a little piece of my Family a little piece of my friends and loved ones. I'm praying that God'll move even more. I want him to just keep going! Don't you guys just want your heart turned inside out for God? He's absolutely amazing and stiring up a passion in me that I'm sooo excited about and am glad that i can share!

He loves you! He was there and knows exactly how you feel. He wants to take care of you and be your comfort. He is not intimidated by your tears or pain... and he isn't upset with you for having those fears, hurts, or experiences. He loves you and wants you to have freedom just as much as you want to have freedom! It's there for you. I sound like a preacher haha alright I'm done :)

God Bless you all!
-Shanna

Phil. 29:11 (don't just read the words you know, think about it)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future."

He's with you every step of the way :) Isn't that encouraging!?!?!?! :)