Inadequate

The feeling of inadequacy has overwhelmed me to the where I am and function in a state of handicap. What you think about is a powerful instrument. It's quite possibly one of the most powerful instruments that humans have control over. That's right we get to decide what goes into our minds, what our minds dwell upon, and most importantly what comes out of our minds. Since all actions originate in the mind it's vital to how that special piece of machinary oiled properly. Otherwise your whole entire character and person is going to be out of sync as it were.

This quarter has been the worst quarter I have ever had. I've spent so much of my time dwelling upon failure. I let a thought that was based off of my own insecurities define my entire being and in turn dictate my behavior. I've been a jerk. An emotional one at that. I get overwhelmed thinking about getting up in the morning. I have tasted a small taste of what it is like to life just enveloped in yourself. And man does it suck.

I was talking to God today and he simply said, "The joy of the Lord is your strength." Now, God and I have a peculiar relationship. I do not talk to him as much as I ought to. But you know in turn he doesn't talk to me as much either. You see a relationship with God isn't really all that different than a relationship with another human being. I just contacted a friend I haven't spoken to in a few months. We messaged back and forth pretty short and surfacey messages. In one text to my best friend (that consisted of like ten characters) I expressed more emotional investment that that whole message exchange between the other friend. My point is... when you talk to God regularly you get to know him. Duh... how do I get this across? ummm... Why don't we talk to God more? You'd think we wise up after he pulls us out of the pit so much. Yet as I look back through my limited experience I feel like my relationship with God is a constant roller coaster. And yet he says, "the joy of the Lord is your strength"... not how Lord comes first in that sentence.

*sigh* Anyways, I wanna fall back in-love with Christ. I knew him for real... none of this surface stuff. I want to get to know him like I did on my DTS. I knew him. Was that because I was in circumstances that were so strenuous and demanding I had to rely on him? Was it because that was my school and part-time job... I didn't have much else to focus on? Yah partially... but I think also I actually chose to because I'd reached a point in my life where nothing else made sense. I'd hate to be God. It's like he's my last resort. I've been that friend. It sucks. I don't want him to be a last resort ya know?

Because ultimately he's the only motivation I've got. And let me tell ya that's something because right now I'm lack loads of motivation and I need some. "Work hard and cheerfully as if working for the Lord and not for man." That's my motivation right there.

I'm going to sleep now. I'm interested in the concept of sky diving. I also think it would be quite nice if I'd make the time to go running more often. My history prof. is an evil, horrid individual but I love him and have decided to start praying for him because I really don't love him and that's an issue. Photography is coo. I'm getting some coo prints. Anthropology... yet another science that claims to be the center of them all. Ah well what can you do? Playin' the game, but cheerfully.

-Shanna