crazy rocking in the corner laughing and talking to the wall lady

I realized tonight that I take myself way more seriously then the vast majority of the people who surround me. You know in the movies where there's this moment- the unstable character has a meltdown- and she (because lets be honest it's usually a she) either laughs or cries. Her breakdown is either really good or really really bad. Well, I want to be the crazy laughing lady. You know the one where you're not really sure if she's ok but at least you don't have to deal with the messy tears? (NOT saying tears are bad but ya know what I mean?) I mean...ya they're insane but they get all that built up energy, emotion, and agitation out in a harmless and wonderful way. I hate crying so why not just laugh instead. Sometimes you just reach a point in life where all you can do is laugh about it. I think getting to the point of laughing about a failed test, unsolvable relationship problems, or personal conflicts is a really good place to be. It's not the "I can't handle this" stage of crying (or for me) freaking out. It's not the "I am incapable of handling anything" stage of depression and weakness. It's not the stage of avoidance where you walk around pissed off or really really quiet. It's simply accepting the situation for what it is. It's hard. It's life. It's surrender. Coming to the point of near insanity I think may be healthy in some circumstances. Something in me snapped tonight. I'm just tired of pretending like I'm stable or enough. I'm not enough and there's only one place I've found thus far that gets me to a point that I'm stable- and that's being right with Christ. I want to be in that place so that I'm not crazy rocking in the corner laughing and talking to the wall lady. Until I get there I'm going to surrender. I'm going to laugh about it. I'm going to accept it for what it is without kicking and screaming. God- do what you will with me. I've thrown my hands up and let my hair down. I'm done fighting it. Take me as you find me- with all my fears and failures.

-Shanna