I don't limit God- which is awesome.

When I was in elementary school my mom would walk in the front door and often find a rearranged home. For me changing the furniture of our parlor was a weekly routine. I often shuffled through boxes of old candles, table clothes, and trinkets to try and add some diversity to our living space. As a twelve-year-old I had awful taste and thus the trinkets, furniture, and old candles would usually end up where they had started. The materials I had to work with were limited and yet I found value in the process of change even though the end result didn't significantly affect me. I think that change has always been a huge part of who I am. After-all I can't hardly stay in one country for more than a year without getting fidgety.

I have a twisted view of my life's timeline. I think that I've discovered a sad reality in that I don't live for what is important and that's right now. Somehow somewhere along my road I picked up this burden. It's an idea that who I'm suppose to be is a definitive point in time. And if I'm not in that state of being I'm not complete or fulfilling what I am suppose to be doing. How I formed this philosophy is unbeknownst to me but I find it rather sad now that I have identified it.

My brother-in-law shared a concept last night with me that I found especially enlightening and convicting. Who I am is who I am right now. And not only that but the value scale from a Biblical perspective isn't what I can or should or will do. Although culturally careers, education, and financial stability are some of the most highly valued aspects of our society-faithfulness or staying true to what you believe (in God's eyes) are just as important...if not more so. I think that I just realized that that "end goal" of "what God's making me" isn't going to be reached in this lifetime. He can't make me perfect because that's impossible (in this lifetime). I set high standards for myself and yet there will always be higher ones. That state of completion I'm searching for, in all reality and honesty, doesn't exist.

So what do I do? Even after typing that sentence I realize how much of my worldview revolves around actions and the 'doing' part of my life. My worth (in my eyes) is dependent upon actions that are frail and that honestly in the long run most likely aren't going to affect that many people. So why do I strive so hard? Why do I want this state of completion so badly? I can't remember wanting it in Australia or even high school like I do now. Although I did struggle with this in high school I really think it's because I am just doing all of this for me. I'm not struggling to get a better understanding of who God is and Jesus was here and why all this happens. I'm trying to make me and I don't like that. I don't like the idea that it's about making me. My career. My job. My college. My education. I'm just so limited and I get that to a completely new level right now and I want to make it not about me. It's not about me. Ya know?

I don't have a good conclusion to this post. I tried writing something inspirational and it sucked because it was full of crap. I've been rambling for about twenty minutes now so I guess I'll leave you with: "HEY! STOP THAT!" That's mainly for me I think.

"clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience."

I wish I was better at stuff like that. I'm proud and definitely not patient. But it's not about that... it's about change. It's about the process. It's ok that the materials he's working with aren't the best (aka me)... he's God, right? So he can work with it. I don't limit him. Which is good because that would be such a bummer. That's all.

Blessings,

-Shanna