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The fear of abandonment is one I've struggled with for a very long time. I don't know anyone who isn't afraid of it in some form or another. You're afraid your friends will leave down the road or you'll get dumped. A family feud blows out of proportion and suddenly you haven't talked o your cousins for two years. In a way death can be a form of abandonment. It's not that they abandoned you or that you would ever blame them for... dying... but you feel the same loneliness and dare I say desperation.

To forget, in my opinion, is just another form of abandonment. You are in essence abandoning a memory. When you forget something, someone, some relationship... you give up on its lasting impact upon your life. You forget and act like it didn't or doesn't matter which is completely contrary to the feelings that you experienced while that memory was taking place. But at the same time we forget so easily. I just had a conversation with someone and I could not repeat it back to you.

I wish I was a wizard like Dumbledore who could stick a wand to his head and just capture memories and put them in a magic bowl. That would make me feel so much less guilty! I have had so many experiences, relationships, and learned SO MANY lessons that I have forgotten or really just abandoned. I don't want to forget them but in the moment and as you grow and learn you don't always choose to take those lessons or people with you. It's sad but an obvious truth.

I guess, that's all I've got. I hate the thought that I may be abandoning what was at one point the most important thing in my life. I hate that thought. Something that does give me a little peace is that my subconscious still responds to situation because of the influences past experiences and lessons have had upon me...but at the same time I still feel like a horrible person. Does that make any sense?

-Shanna